Men’s Room Etiquette
No fewer than two times today, somebody entered the men’s room on the 4th floor of my company and took the stall right next to mine even though the other stalls were empty.
I’m sorry, but you leave me no choice… Gather around, kids, because Uncle Erik is going to pass along some wisdom that you don’t want to miss. I don’t claim to be the author of these guidelines, but I’m sure as hell going to be the conveyor.
First, a map of the bathroom.
You will notice that the stall all the way on the left is nice and large, offering lots of extra buffer room between its occupant and the neighboring stall. This is my stall. I scope out the bathroom on and off for sometimes a full hour waiting for it (and the rest of the bathroom) to be empty.
This is what the bathroom looks like when my diligence has finally paid off:
Now, I’m not unreasonable. I understand that the bathroom is not 100% mine. I can live with this. What I can’t live with is being close to other people doing their business.
At some point, you will get an urge to use the bathroom at the same time as I. Blame it on altitude, or perhaps too much Top Ramen, but inevitably you will scope out the available stalls and seriously consider the one next to mine:
Yes, you will be tempted. SERIOUSLY tempted. My advice to you is this: take a few breaths — in through the nose, out through the mouth — close your eyes momentarily, and contemplate the benefits of providing a nice, wide buffer between us as we do our business.
Need help with your decision? Here’s an okay option for you to take:
If you really want to stay on my good side, this option is even better:
See? Isn’t that nice? Not only does this arrangement benefit all of us, it’ll guarantee that I won’t hate you to the very fiber of your soul next time I see your shoes walking down the hallway.
Okay, with that out of the way, I have a BONUS QUESTION for you just to see how much you understand what I just said.
In the following situation, WHAT SHOULD YOU DO?
Answer: Pretend you only entered the bathroom to wash your hands, then high-tail it out of there and come back later when you hope nobody else is around.
If we all work on our etiquette in the 4th floor men’s room, the world will be a kinder, gentler place. Please, do your part for world peace: stay far, far away from me when I’m in the bathroom.
