And after my inner 1950s male relaxed, I discovered that roller derby actually is a sport and the ladies that participated actually did play to win. Who knew? I’m sure I’ll go back for more some day, maybe after my ears stop ringing.

Anyway, if there’s another one next year, seriously, I’m sending a twig with wheels.

On a brighter note, I believe everyone who entered the race is going to get a print (not a printout, but an actually silkscreened print) of the ThreadLe Manss poster. Not too shabby.

Final results for the race (I’m “Erat”): http://threadless.com/threadlemanss

Aerial Boundaries… The song that put Michael Hedges on the map. I wish there was a higher quality video because this song needs to be seen as much as it needs to be heard.

I had the honor of seeing this guy many moons ago at Wolf Trap in Virginia. Up until then I had only heard Michael’s music on CDs. Ever the skeptic, I couldn’t believe the recordings were of one guitar, one take. At times, in songs like Aerial Boundaries it sounds like two or even three guitars are playing. If I hadn’t seen the goofball play it live I never would have believed one guy could make such a rich sound come from one friggin’ guitar.

Michael died 10 years ago in a car accident in Northern California. It’s mind blowing how tragic of a loss this is (not a personal loss, but a loss to the art of music).

Anyway, feel free to forward past about the first three minutes of this video unless you want to listen to him talk. Hopefully a better video of Aerial Boundaries will pop up on YouTube sooner or later. In the meantime, buy his Aerial Boundaries CD, grab your headphones and fly…

(Cool segue into Inna Gadda Da Vida, by the way.)

One of the greatest guitar gods of our time. Hammering with both hands, playing the guitar like it’s a six-keyboard piano… Where do people like this come from? He can’t be from earth, he just can’t be.

Soooo Farrrr Soooo Gooooood, originally uploaded by charlesfesta.

Three things:

1. The deadline for sending them cars has been extended to May 16th. Yes, that’s right, I spent around $20 for overnight shipping FOR NO REASON. Oh well. It’s just money.

2. The photo above can’t be all the cars they’ve received. It just can’t be. If it is, Threadless.com customers are LAAAAAAAAAZY.

3. That’s my car all the way on the right. Yeah, I’m vain.

Everything that starts simple will inevitably grow into a hairball if I have anything to do with it.

When I heard about Threadless.com’s ThreadLe Manss competition I decided to give it a shot. How hard could it be? I’ve painted, I’ve sanded wood, I’ve used glue… KIDS do this crap every day.

At least I think they do. For all I know parents make pinewood derby cars and the kids merely take credit for them, not unlike the kids of co-workers who look doe-eyed up at their elementary school teachers and tell them YES, they were the ones that sold $483 worth of crappy soap and waxy candy bars to friends and neighbors in the school’s Spring Fundraiser. Want to know why Wally two cubes down is kicking corporate ass without breaking a sweat while overworked and underpaid You are on five kinds of high blood pressure meds and keep a personal defibrillator in your car? I bet Wally also kicked cub scout pinewood derby and elementary school fundraiser ass without breaking a sweat, and you’ve merely taken the place of his now empty husk of a father. Ask how Wally’s father is doing. Go ahead, ask. Because in a few years, if you don’t get the hell out of that job of yours you’ll be just like pops.

Steer clear of Wally. The alternative is pain and sorrow.

Oh yeah, ThreadLe Manss. Pinewood derby car kits range anywhere from around $3 including the wheels to–no kidding–well over $100. The latter are just about ready to roll out of the box but I can’t imagine anyone who is sane purchasing that kind of thing. The $3 kits in hindsight would have been just fine, but I have to complicate things so I went for a slightly better, more aerodynamic kit thinking it would increase my chances of winning.

The kit I chose was the “Stealth” kit from Maximum Velocity. I believe it was somewhere between $15-$20 NOT including the axles and wheels which ran me something like another $17. A lot of manual labor was taken care of for me right out of the gate, but damn, $37?

The kit (as you can see from the finished car) is flat so there is little air drag, like that really matters in something this tiny. The shape of the car kit does not even slightly resemble a car (and I’m not one to do things normally anyway) so I floated around in a fog for a while trying to think of how to decorate it. The body parts disposal space module just kinda popped into my head one day and got stuck. I had envisioned something much more cartoony and silly than what I ended up with, but I’ve never been a precise painter, nor have I ever painted anything small, so…

As I painted the thing the cartoony images in my head left and dirtier, darker images emerged, probably a sign that I was getting fed up with the idea of painting a car for a race that I probably wouldn’t win in a town that I don’t live in, and besides, $37?? Yeah, I got that stuck in my head as well. Combine that with other crap that came down in my life (car issues, basement carpet/water issues AGAIN, lots of money going out and not much extra coming in, Democratic frigtards everywhere I turned, etc.) and you may understand why the car project rapidly lost steam. I swear, most of the painting on that thing occurred over only a few days, and each time it was fast.

This past weekend my goal wasn’t to finish a really cool car, it was to finish PERIOD and send it in no matter how lame it turned out. At least once I considered stopping painting, gluing all the parts together, slapping on the wheels and just mailing the thing out as-is. Life is short, y’know? It’s just a pinewood derby car, after all. Still, I stuck with it and sort of finished it.

The blood? It’s not real. I thought the thing looked too gray when I decided to stop painting it so I gook some Alizarin Red and globbed it around the hatch area and around the cracks in the fuselage. More blood is underneath but I didn’t take pictures of the bottom so you’ll just have to trust me. The car really does look better in person, but it still looks kind of disgusting at the same time. I don’t care, it’s DONE.

I mailed it out today. All cars are due on Friday, May 2nd. This means high dollar express postage. Take that $37 and tack on about another $20 and you’ll have an idea of how big my headache is right now. Still, it’s an experience, not unlike writing a book: I’m glad I did it but I may never do it again. Or, I’ll try it again but I’ll keep things really simple. Dunno. Duncare.

There you have it. If I win anything–HA!–I’ll be sure to let y’all know.

1. Like Sarah, I can’t sleep if my knees touch. I sleep with a “leg pillow” between my legs for this exact reason.
2. I’m repulsed by corn. I have no idea why.
3. I hesitate to use foul language around religious friends. As with the corn thing, I have absolutely no idea why.
4. I was never in the 2nd grade. I jumped from 1st to 3rd.
5. I don’t trust gorgeous women, like, at all, so I rarely pay any attention to them. People think this is really weird. Whatevuh.
6. I don’t like watching sports. This, combined with my apathy toward hela-hot women, makes me an incomplete man.
7. I smoked for 15 years, but I quit 10 years ago. 
8. I still crave cigarettes on a daily basis and I don’t feel all that much healthier for quitting.
9. A psychic therapist once told me I’m “androgynous.” M’kay.
10. I was an absolute societal leper until (at 14) I moved from Maryland to Virginia, where I actually almost became popular. I consider this to be an indictment of Maryland.

Sorry, I’m not tagging anyone.